operation freedom

My mission is to try to try to lift some of the weight I've carried throughout my life. I need to remember a childhood I've worked so hard to forget. I desperately want to stop waiting for death so I don't have to feel anymore or almost burst into tears for no reason. Youth has it's benefits your younger,faster,stronger and dumber(ok by dumber I mean ignorant). Now I'm older,slower,not weaker but definitely more aware. Today it seams to be harder to forget my past and stuff my feelings but at 18 it was easy cause I never thought I'd see 37. Lets clarify something I'M NOT SUICIDAL so if anyone thought that I'm not now nor have I ever been. Suicide to me is quiting or giving up and I can't quit or give up on anything sometimes that works against me cause I feel to stop is giving up and letting myself down. I'm a very private person/closed person who doesn't talk about feeling or pain or even what hurts physically and emotional. I was raised that you don't show your emotions ever cause when you do that can be used against you. You don't let people in then nobody can hurt you. Crying is a sign of weakness you don't cry if you do you got hit "if you want something to cry about then here's something to cry about" I know those words all to well. That's part of what I tried to forget it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Thats enough remembering for now. I took a step today it wasn't a big step but it was a step.